This is not a post about how astrology works but a post about how astrology helped me heal wounds I held in my mind from behaviors and themes in my life. Earlier this year I had a five minute reading with an Astrologer, Debra Silverman. I had never done this, I knew nothing about her but I had always been fascinated with horoscopes. Growing up I remember getting the latest Cosmo edition and I would skip the articles to jump to the back where the horoscopes were printed.
This five minute reading was eerily spot on. At the time of my first encounter with Debra she jumped head first into my father issues and what laid ahead for me after my dad would pass. I wanted more. I booked an hour reading with her. This second reading was even more enlightening. We discussed business, my patterns of self-doubt and she even touched a sensitive spot of the growing tension between my husband and I around money and the feelings of uncertainty of me being an entrepreneur. She wasn’t being a fortune teller, what she was doing was bringing words to the themes and behaviors in my life that were displayed on my birth chart and what was revealed through her deep intuition and knowing. I wanted more.
I booked a two day intensive with Debra in Boulder, CO. The intensive required me to spend two days with Debra. The first day consisted of me telling Debra my life’s story to determine the themes that were reoccuring. I was given the space to tell her everything with details and shared pictures of my life. Her compassion, ability to listen and not judge was one of the most freeing feelings I have ever felt. The second day was spent highlighting the themes in my life and how they showed up. I worked through her therapeutic process of learning how to accept what happened and see how my astrological birth chart lent itself to identify some of these themes. This was so much more useful to me than trying to explain why these things happened to me and trying to change how I handled things. Debra says she “gives permission slips” for you to be you.
As I mentioned, my time with Debra for three days was amazing. I walked away feeling that we all have an inner knowing and when paired with experience, self-development and patience, your awareness in life becomes so much deeper. You become an objective compassionate observer in your life so that those themes that were stories trapping you in guilt, shame and despair can be seen as lessons of life. Does it mean you stop doing or acting the way you use to? Not always, but the more aware you become of your actions and old behaviors, the more you can stop them from actually taking place…again.
I learned that the themes in my life consisted of betrayal, being a caretaker and putting the needs of so many before my own and also that I have a huge habit of doubting myself. I definitely underestimated myself when I was young and even up to this very day.
So what have I done with this knowledge now? The betrayal has been a tough lesson because it’s occurred not only from my first marriage but also within my own family. Right now, I’m in a deep practice of trust. Trusting myself and my gut reaction, trusting those around me I choose to hang out with or even hire to work with. I’ll have to keep you posted on how that goes.
I am a caretaker, it’s just who I am and I know I wouldn’t have changed the times that I sacrificed time and energy. Especially with my mom and grandmother. However, now I make sure I know what I need before I set foot in that role. I make sure I listen to my body and what she needs. From sleeping in and not feeling guilty, to being sure I feed her fresh greens even when my desire is to have a cheese quesadilla. I may still have the quesadilla, but I make sure that either in the morning or as a snack I have a green smoothie of some kind.
I feel right now the hardest action for me to really be aware of and nurture is the self-doubt. To be honest, it really needs to be the first thing to be nourishing because that action really doesn’t serve you as a growing entrepreneur. However, we all have moments of this. My way of sort of working with this is to literally stomp around the room, listen to loud music and get frustrated – basically have a private temper tantrum. Then change the music and just listen to what it is my heart wants to be working on in this very moment. (Just as I was writing this, I was in a funk and didn’t want to go to the grocery store. I got myself distracted and now I’m finishing this post!)
My work with Debra has had such an impression on me that she is one of the keynote speakers for an upcoming event I’m hosting. Another post on that to come. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through as long as you have the right support that you need. One of the things I discovered on my own healing journey was the use of astrology to help me explain just how the hell these amazing planets and stars played a role in making me who I am today.